BABY HOME COLLECTION AND THOUGHTS 06/01/2018

Everybody’s there, and I mean everybody. And the strange thing is, there’s not a sad face to be found, everyone’s just so happy to see you. –Big Fish

So here I am awake at 2 o’clock with Morgan who already at a month old is turning into a mini version of me. I can’t help but laugh as I reminisce of all the endless nights I would disturb my parents when I couldn’t fall asleep myself. My motto back then was why go to sleep when I could be spending it cozily resting beside my mother and watching a film or two with my father? Shamefully, it was at this moment that my tiredness and frustration as a new mother soon diminished and made more sense. The scenario soon turned to comfort in knowing that my son loved and wanted to be just as close to me as I once did with my parents.

Tonight I’m streaming the film BIG FISH, which is truly one of the most visually stunning Tim Burton films, along with an equally beautiful story line. The general basis of the film -without giving too much away, is that a young man named Will Bloom returns to his hometown where his estranged father Edward Bloom is dying of Cancer. Unfortunately both father and son are now estranged due to the endless extravagant stories told by Edward about his life. According to Will the stories are nothing more than lies and fabricated tales that as an adult have now become tiresome. Edward explains very early on in the film that he is told by a witch of how he will die, which leaves him embracing life for all it has to offer since he would not have to fear death knowing when and how it would eventually come.

Maybe it was the tiredness that had settled in more so than ever, as I began thinking about how the relationship between Morgan and me could develop over the years. I can easily dismiss an individuals opinion when it comes to their thoughts and sometimes-hurtful stigma in relation to mental health. However, my sons opinion matters a lot more to me as I want to be the kind of mother who has a positive impact on his life and fill it with love and none of the erratic tendencies that comes with mental health… but how could I? I reflected and recognized that since having him I have somewhat spiraled and caused a strained, paranoid void between me and everything I had come to connect with- including his father. I always reject people when I feel frightened of any perceived danger or hurt, yet I didn’t want to reject my son or his dad and felt worried that my happiness and optimism in the past month was unraveling. I want to have the kind of life where I can honestly say it was magical and worth living, but not at the expense of my son or fiancé being unhappy with me. It was at this point that my partner turned to me bleary eyed as I explained my thoughts to him. Bless him he really was tired, but managed as always to make sense and weave my thoughts back to normality. “As much as you think your life has little to no impact, re-evaluate who has wished you well and illustrated their fondness for you around your pregnancy.” I thought about this for a moment and I can honestly say that for the first time I recognized that people from over the course of my lifetime up until this point have showed a lot of love, care and well wishes. As sad as it might seem I recognized that the faces where mostly from the adults I had been surrounded by as a child. Now as a woman and a mother I felt that I was finally their equal, yet they all illustrated in many different ways that even as a child they had a lot of time for me. It was then that I membered my Mothers birthday where everyone from her own childhood was there, scattered across the room she attempted to piece together each and every face upon her entrance. There were so many people I recognized from her pictures and various moments of her life where they all demonstrated a genuine warmth towards how they felt about her. I was so proud that everyone within that room could see how special she was just as much as I could.

As BIG FISH was coming to an end I analyzed all the faces that had shown their love and what I meant to them over the past few years. Slowly a picture emerged and it became abundantly clear that no matter how old I am or what stage I’m at there was and always will be important individuals watching, wishing and hoping for a happy and fulfilling life for me – even when it ends. The most wonderful feeling out of all of this was knowing that whatever positive attributes I had as a child had kept these people in my life to illustrate the same kind of warmth and love I saw from my mothers close family and friends on her birthday. I know I will never be remotely close to her in terms of being a mother, but I can honestly say I’m going to spend my life having a try and I hope that all the individuals who have stayed with me with patience and love continue to do so. Most importantly I hope I can make Morgan proud to have me as his mother and that I make my fiancé’s life as fulfilling as he makes mine.

To conclude, the developing Baby Home Collection is reflection of the mystery of what life may have in store for us. Children naturally have a playful innocence and wonder at the world around them, but unfortunately as we grow into adults this is often lost. The collection will represent a moment in time when everything feels fun, new, exciting and most importantly magical

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